Emotions Suck

My life has flipped completely upside down in the past month. Since my last post things have gone in all different directions. I haven't read more of the book but I did see my pastor a few more times. Jesus has definitely been doing a work in me. One area that I have really been dealing with is some of the things that happen after I got raped. I had to go through months of personal and family counseling. It was hell. All the things that happen between dealing with the cops and my family definitely left some nice scars. My brother is also moving in with one of the guys who raped me so yea he sucks. That is another part that is hard to deal with because every person I thought would protect me never did. Now I feel as though I'm standing on my own but I know Jesus is on my side and will never leave me.

On July 18th my dad had his second brain surgery. They went in to clean up the infection but ended up having to remove an absess. They weren't able to figure out what exactly it was because the antibiotics interfered with the test results. The infection is BAD so he has been on crazy strong antibiotics which they hope will take care of what ever else is in there. Things got worse after the surgery. He had a major seizure and a stroke. So as you can imagine, he couldn't walk, talk or do anything anymore. He had to relearn everything but cause his condition was already getting worse before the surgery he is taking FOREVER to make the smallest amount of progress. They want to send him home this week but everything possible is going wrong. I feel so lost in this whole situation.

I always expected to have to take care of my dad when i was no younger then 40s. My mother and family somehow think that it's my responsibility to clean my dads ass when my mom is tired. Last I checked I didn't take vows to anyone. But of course here I am doing everything I shouldn't have to ever do. My family has a very different opinion on that but either way...their opinion means nothing to me.

I don't want to watch my dad die slowly. He might be better a lil better now but I don't think he will last long either. I'm sure my mom and everyone else would kick me so saying this but HELLO HAVE YOU SEEN HIM?! Everyone has something to say but I am the one that sees him every day and has talked to all his doctors. I think God has prepared me as best as you can be prepared. As I said before... I don't want to watch my dad die. Especially since he is far from being saved. I know the devil has been having so much fun messing with me because I feel so alone through all this. I remember the support I had through the first surgery and not having that hurts but I know I need to lean on God and not a person. Man fails you but God is always there.

On a good note... things with school have fallen perfectly into place. As emotional and out my mind as I have been I give thanks to God that he removed that burden from me. Now if I can just surrender everything else. I see old habits rising up and I hate it because it took me so long to put those things to rest.

Jesus is all we need . We need to give Him our all and lay our burdens at His feet.

This song has been getting me through the past few weeks