Monday, September 26, 2011
Slowly loosing my mind!
I hate to spill myself over this stupid blog but when theres no one to talk to and your surround by unsaved obnoxious people you don't really have much of a choice[but to talk to yourself haha]. SO...as you may or may not know my dad has Anaplastic Astrocytoma [stage 3 brain cancer]. He had a brain tumor [the size of a mans fist] 2 years ago removed and about 80ish percent was removed. He has had radiation and chemo for about a year an half. BUT [there is always a but apparently] he is back in the hospital. He had the usual seizure [same as stroke] and we rushed him to the hospital where they found out he has a bleed in his brain along with more swelling [always has brain swelling so this is more and abnormal] which seems to be active [weird] which means its gathering to make a new tumor which also means cancer is back and moving fast. one problem is because he has stage 3 [which means is super fast] the tumors usually grow back stage 4 and there is no hope in stage 4 [worst kind for brain cancer]. As much as they try to make us feel better but also make sure we understand what we are facing...he had another seizure the following day [night before last]. We have always known of what may happen but I know God is bigger and can do anything. He has already healed my dad in many ways and has had His hand on him but the truth that I'm facing [many of you I'm sure wont agree with this] is why should God heal him now when He isn't getting any glory from my dad or any of my family. all they do is rub their stupid rosary beads and the whole shebang [just read how its spelled in a book a few hours ago haha] so as I said before why should He heal him. My dad isn't saved so all I can do is pray for His salvation [please do the same]. This just all sucks. I feel so alone through this whole thing. I'm trying to seek God's face and get strength from Him but deep down inside I want to curl up in a ball or just run away. Everything else seems to be going down hill as well. Some people I wish were by my side seem to be further then ever before which is just giving me more of a heartache. I hate to feel this way and just be so damn defeated. This is me venting. I'm someone will yell at me which sucks but just know I'm trying to keep God first no matter what. It's just hard to go fall into depression when my whole life that's the first thing i grab onto. The worst part of all this is i really [with everything in me] want to run away from this hell hole. I know doing certain things would be doing just that which obviously wouldn't be of God but there is that stupid part of me that's like what if all this is happening because God wants you to ... if u cant tell I'm not telling you what that is [don't want to get yelled at even more...totally not in the mood right now lol]. I still haven't gotten my acceptance letter from Liberty and my deadline is on wed. I feel like every time i talk to them I'm further away from getting accepted in time. its the one thing I'm actually excited about even though i can think of only a few people [that matter] that are just as excited but not some that mean more then any of them. [adding more to the heartache]. Have i mentioned i hate being a mess like this. it feels so out of character yet for the past idk close to a year that's all I'm getting. On a good note. cant wait for Greg X Volz to come to House Of Mercy on Oct 18th!!! hope to see you there!